personal

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.


For want of nothing better, the soul was lost.

What is lost can always be found…


...for want of something better.

Even under clear blue skies this city is ugly and gray.

It’s freezing. Why am I riding in again?

Because it’s convenient. Because I don’t want to put my baby away just yet. Because…

Going home at night, warm lights glow and in the darkness the city is suddenly beautiful, reflecting along the waters and in the sky.

It’s a long road between city and home. I lag behind those ahead of me and pull away from those behind me. And for just a short while I’m all alone caught in between.

There are no streetlamps and the trees make it even darker. My wild imagination conjures up evil beings hiding in the darkness watching me, so close to me, with absolutely nothing in between us. Haha, I scare myself so badly, but it’s thrilling and I’m running away faster and faster…

Until I’ve caught up with the rest of the pack of commuters and I’m not the only person on the road. My pace slows and suddenly I’ve reached my destination.

I’m high, giddy, cold, as I crash on the couch, thankful and happy for the warmth and comfort of home.

is where the heart is.

I swore to myself that I would stop letting people’s doubts stop me in believing what’s right for myself.


...It’s the hard part of being “young.”
All too often I’ve stopped myself short based on the advice of someone more “experienced”, but I’ve come to realize that their experiences are theirs and theirs alone, and that ultimately I have to come up with my own resolutions in a given situation.


Of course it doesn’t hurt to listen to advice, but it’s me who knows myself best, it’s me who knows what I want.



He who hesitates is lost

We usually know what’s right and wrong in a siituation. It’s funny how we make up excuses to try and deny it.

I doesn’t feel right...
Well guess what, if it doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t. Owe up to the truth and what’s right in the situation, instead of making up excuses for the contrary. 

The truth is the hardest thing you will ever have to face, but don’t let fear of it overrun you. The more you run away from the truth, the harder it gets to face it; the more problems you create for yourself.

The truth shall set you free...
That sick feeling that you feel in your stomach, in your heart...that’s your conscience telling you it’s wrong. It’s funny how even when we get that ugly feeling, we still fail to let ourselves acknowledge what’s right and what’s wrong.

Owe up to the truth, and you’ll see things more clearly. It is so simple — it’s only in our minds that we make more complicated than it really is, and that’s called being dramatic.

If you seek the truth, you’ll make better decisions for yourself, and for everyone else around you. 

Being strong in no way means that you are impervious to getting hurt. Being strong means knowing that you’ll hurt, and knowing that you will be alright again, hopefully with more knowledge than before.

Being strong means not allowing the fear of being hurt to stop you from fighting for what you believe in; from pursuing the things that make you happy.


And along with everything in life, it is a balancing act: it is a fine line between being strong and being foolish. 

Sometimes love ends up happening.

And other times, love ends up finding you.

Emotions make us think things are grander, or more tragic, than what they really are.
---
I tried to keep something that was good.

She said the hardest thing in the world to do, is to find somebody that believes in you.



I tried.

Do you ever think about the things you’ve accomplished and your reasons for accomplishing them?
My bike is my freedom and independence.
School, for me, was a necessity in life. I’m lazy, but I love learning.
I love the monotony of a 9-5. It means security. And anyway, you take what you can get from any situation. I have loved each of the few jobs I’ve had. I am not hard to please and as long as there are good people around, as long as I take things lightly, work is never burdensome.

I don’t know where this is going, but I’ll let it lead anyway.

I often think about where I am in life, how I’m happy to be here. I have prayed almost every night since elementary school. Even when I’m halfway past sleeping, I force myself to pray. I’ve come to realize it’s not so much about God as much as it is about taking the time of day to not take for granted the people and opportunities I have in life. At the end of every day, I can completely say that I do not take anything for granted.

I always put myself first and foremost. When you are content with yourself, it is easier to help and support the people you love.

When I first watched Episode I, I thought it was quite silly that the reason Anakin turned into Darth Vader was that he had too much fear. I didn’t understand then how much power fear has over us if we allow it. I’ve come to realize how ugly it really is, and how much Darth Vader makes so much sense. There are a lot of insecure people out there, and insecurity is just fear of being oneself. Insecurity is such an ugly ugly thing. It leads you to do stupid things, to alienate yourself, to look down upon yourself.

The most important lesson I’ve learned thus far is the lesson of self worth. The grass only seems greener on the other side. People are looking at your lawn envying what you have, but you’re too busy to notice because you’re envying and vying for your neighbors lawn. We always feel like we need this or need that to be beautiful, to be accepted, to be cool, but the funny thing I’ve discovered is you don’t need anything more than who you are. Sure you may want things, but a lot of the times we want because we think we need.

People are amazing creatures. People fascinate me. Even if I complain about some people(oops, of course I do it), I can’t help but find something beautiful and respectful in everyone I’ve come across. I wish I could show you how amazing you are…

do I sound like a self-help book yet? But it’s so true and I believe in it with whole-hearted conviction.

When you are complete in yourself, it is so much easier to find beauty in others. And it makes you want to cultivate it and let them see it too.

I sometimes wonder if things would be different if I grew up differently. If my parents were more inhibiting, if I didn’t have the same opportunities I have now, would I still be happy with myself? But I don’t think about it too much because what I have here and now is what matters. And I remind myself that opportunity is everywhere.

Parents are some of the biggest influences we have in life. Whether they were there or weren’t, the impact they leave is astounding. Growing older you realize how much like your parents you really are, or on the opposite end, trying to stay far from who they were. Either way, they affect us so much, not just in the quirks we pick up, but in the way we view things, the way we make decisions.

When your heart catches up with that unease in the back of your mind, that is when your heart breaks. It is unlike anything you’ve ever felt. I can’t describe it at all. But it is heavy and large and it strikes dull at the soul. Two heartbreaks in a month. Who ever knew? But I look back on this, what I’ve written, and I am still myself. I don’t pretend to be strong, but I know who I am, and I’ll hurt, but no, I’m not discouraged. Not yet anyway. I mourn the loss of “what could be.” It shall never be mourning over what has passed.

It’s been 8 long years.
It began in seventh grade, and now I’ll be graduating from college in 5 days.
Crazy.
There’s so much to look back on.
So much to look forward to.

Happy birthday to d-30, best present I’ve ever gotten. And happy birthday to me.

Love isn’t real unless it’s complete — with feelings, words, and actions.

Love isn’t enough.

---

Hope is essential, but with all things, there are lines that can be crossed.

Hope can be a dangerous thing.

Kin.
People I love.
The things I love.
D30.
Myself.


----


Breathe. Reevaluate. Remember, and know, what’s important.


I don’t believe you can be genuinely good to others when you can’t be good to yourself.

Sometimes we just need to slow down. Stop thinking. Breathe. Reevaluate our actions. And just remember and know what’s important. It’s not easy because we have to put things down; maybe our pride, or the things we really want, or our egos, and even all three and more.


I really believe that the hardest thing to get over is ourselves, but once that happens, things are a little easier to handle. Things become a bit clearer, and the will to move forward is just a bit stronger.


But maybe that’s just me. If anything, just don’t ever forget who or what is important to you.

(reposted from: 9/11/08 - don’t even think)

Now that you’re wiser
Surely you’ve learned to read it
You should know
No surface shines brighter
Than the light that burns beneath it
- Zero 7


People always have a way of surprising us. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. The bad can be jarring. Upsetting. Sad.

More than a week late, but anyway.
2008 was awesome, for many reasons.
Like the beach. Though the beach is always there; I just got to visit it more.
I learned a lot. Like how to ride. More importantly, learned that I really could do it.
Learned that while I don’t consider myself as someone to need reassurances, just that one little bit from one person that cares just makes a difference in the world — confidence comes rushing back, fresh and alive.
Learned and always learning more about myself.
Which helps in learning about others.
The most important lessons I’ve learned and still learning is how to deal with people and situations.
We can learn skills, we can learn what to do and what not to do, but there’s something about dealing with others that helps you learn something new each time.
Looking forward to learning more in 2009, trying to keep an open mind, open heart, finding the fine lines, etc etc. And most importantly,


LOOKING FORWARD TO RIDING MY OWN BIKE!!!
HOOOOO FREAKIN YEAHHHH~!!!!!!!!

Wishin y’all the best of the best,
love,
me.

Pete, it’s a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.
- Ulysses Everett McGill, O Brother, Where art Thou


It’s not fair, really. This whole emotion thing. There really is no logic whatsoever to it. And it’s so hard when someone asks you to justify your feelings. You simply can’t. Logic has nothing to do with it. You can love a person for the same exact reasons you hate someone else. You can easily forgive what one person does, and yet be so cold to another over the same matters. We can give reasons and try to flesh out the why’s of the heart, but when it comes down to it, it just is.


We can’t control what we feel, but we do have a hold over our actions. But sometimes, it’s just really hard, isn’t it? It can all be too overwhelming sometimes, you can’t help what you feel, you can’t help what you do.


We can’t justify our feelings, yet we can justify our actions by what we feel. It’s not fair, really.
(reposted: 1/9/06 - don’t ask me to explain)

Breathe. Reevaluate. Remember, and know, what’s important.


I don’t believe you can be genuinely good to others when you can’t be good to yourself.

Sometimes we just need to slow down. Stop thinking. Breathe. Reevaluate our actions. And just remember and know what’s important. It’s not easy because we have to put things down; maybe our pride, or the things we really want, or our egos, and even all three and more.


I really believe that the hardest thing to get over is ourselves, but once that happens, things are a little easier to handle. Things become a bit clearer, and the will to move forward is just a bit stronger.


But maybe that’s just me. If anything, just don’t ever forget who or what is important to you.




I love you (plural). And I miss you (plural).
I’m doing the best I know how. But you, how are you?

Y’all need to give me a sign if you still come around this part of the web ;’)

It’s kind of like when…


When you learn a new word, and all of a sudden, you notice that word being used everywhere.
It’s not that the word is being used more often than it was before you learned it, it’s just that now...now you’re made aware of it.