Memoir

9:54:39 AM: forever is necessary
9:54:45 AM: because it gives me hope in things


9:55:04 AM: it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not, I think
9:55:09 AM: it lets you believe in things
9:56:11 AM: I think it’s foolish to think that things will last forever, but it’s a different matter if you have the will to make things last forever
9:56:15 AM: does that make sense?

Experience is the meeting place of the heart and mind.

Memories are the remnants of experience; scenes from the mind and played out by the heart.

I try to capture in words and in pictures, what I’ve seen and what I’ve felt, but as soon as I try to capture the memory, it becomes just a mere romanticization of experience.

I wish you could understand that feeling, rising along with the sun, when the air is still cool and the rest of the world still seemingly asleep.
There were breathtaking views over a river and cliff-sides shrouded in mist, mist that disappeared with the midday sun, and the view was as spectacular still.
The humidity rose, but the road is shaded with green, and where there was speed there was a comforting wind…

There is so much more....
but I’ll revel in what I’ve seen and what I’ve felt, half wanting to share its beauty, and the other half wanting to keep it all to myself.

I don’t think I’m bad at expressing my feelings, it’s actually doing it that terrifies me and stops me short.

Those Winter Sundays
Sundays too my father got up early
And put his clothes on in the blueback cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I’d wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he’d call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love’s austere and lonely offices?
- Robert Hayden

I am too self-involved to notice
and always too indifferent to care.
Until I glanced above and found a treasure
on the subway’s gentle sways,
where lifeless eyes and muted stares
reflect amongst themselves,
A treasure to treasure a treasure
lost in the musings of my mind. 

There it goes again - opportunity dancing at my finger tips.


It’s disturbing the way I’ve always been conscious of it. It’s everywhere, in everything, in everyone… It’s always been there, it’s still there, with no promises of forever being there. There’s the disturbing part, that I’ve barely made a move, barley made a pass at opportunity.


I lack self-discipline, self-control. Maybe I’m waiting for a push. Or a downward pull.


Grr. Make decisions with your ____ but let your ____ guide you. I believe that. Honestly I do. I lack guidance. I’m not looking to other people either, I’m looking at myself.


Hmm. Idle minds tend to lose themselves.


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Uhmmm… I may dream about summer and beaches and the sun and sand a lot, and complain about the cold often.... but truth is… I really like living in a place where I can go through, and enjoy to the fullest, each of the four seasons. Maybe that’s what makes summer so damn good. I’m looking forward to it, always looking forward to it.

Pete, it’s a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.
- Ulysses Everett McGill, O Brother, Where art Thou


It’s not fair, really. This whole emotion thing. There really is no logic whatsoever to it. And it’s so hard when someone asks you to justify your feelings. You simply can’t. Logic has nothing to do with it. You can love a person for the same exact reasons you hate someone else. You can easily forgive what one person does, and yet be so cold to another over the same matters. We can give reasons and try to flesh out the why’s of the heart, but when it comes down to it, it just is.


We can’t control what we feel, but we do have a hold over our actions. But sometimes, it’s just really hard, isn’t it? It can all be too overwhelming sometimes, you can’t help what you feel, you can’t help what you do.


We can’t justify our feelings, yet we can justify our actions by what we feel. It’s not fair, really.

It’s only been a week of break, and I feel as though we’re already done. But no, there’s a whole nother month to go.

And oh look, the 5 has turned into a 6. The 5 was a pretty full year. I just finished archiving the all the photos that have been taken in the year 2005, and it sums it up the year quite nicely.

Highlights include(starting from the early year): pulling off successful HS events(MCC, Senior Citizen Dance, the carwash), enjoying warm days early on(Panera, basking in the sun with full stomachs, first BBQ in March), getting a new spankin’ camera, the Katonah museum, turning 19(ah, they say this is when you turn into a woman, but if only age determined those things!), getting accepted into COLLEGE, prom, GRADUATING(graduation pictures have the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen), BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL PERFECT HOT WARM COOL SUMMER DAYS and SUMMER NIGHTS, the beach, camping, finally living a city life, city wanderings, learning to beging to accept and love art(not only as a hobby but as a profession as well), White Castle nights, city events(CMSV, Ren’s bday, Mr. Philippines, Halloween Parade, getting unwillingly stuck in an Anti-Bush protest, lectrae’s visit, dates at small cafŽs with Amanda, meeting up with lovers right before their finals...), the sights(MET, MOMA, Frick, NYPL).

So yeah, through it all I’ve learned a whole lot about myself. I’ve realized the importance of the relationships I’ve built throughout all my years. There are people that I’ve been unfair to, and I can’t even begin to apologize or explain myself. I look back and reflect and fully realize my selfishness. I don’t know if sorry mends things so easily, but I do hope there will be some sort of understanding. I cannot and will not take full blame of everything since there are some things I just don’t have control over, but I am geniunely sorry for my own wrong doings.

Looked back, now looking forward. 2005 wasn’t any better than years before concerning world events and so I’m pessimistic in that aspect for 2006. As for myself, I feel that it will be a more challenging year. Mainly because I’m waking up and out of my so-called ‘bubble’ and find that there are things that need to be accomplished; things for the good of my future. Then there’s also the love life, or rather, lack there-of . But that I’ll leave be for now, and I’ll worry about it later. I’ve not come across a person thus far who I’d willingly share my (precious) time nor my affections with. I must admit it gets kind of lonely at times, but right now, that need isn’t so bad or crucial as other things

Then, in terms of artistic progress, there has barely been any(since the semester ended, I mean). A few watercolor works here and there, a minute photography session and learning how to airbrush. Hopefully I’ll be doing a lot more this lonesome month. More in general this new year as well.


The times pass on too quickly, and paradoxically it seems to go ever so slowly. This is life I suppose, and I hope you all enjoy the new year we’re about to face. The prayers will still and always be the same: keep the family and friends happy, healthy, safe, and strong. I wish you all the best of everything this new year, cheers and good night.

There are still some things about friendship that I just haven’t fathomed.

I’ve been jaded by these incessant, childish words of friendship to the point I never gave it much thought, never gave it much credit, never truly believed in it. It was something that was just there, something that I accepted and appreciated.


Well, I’ve come to realize that this friendship stuff is stronger than I ever thought it could be.

So, December here we go! This is a specially long entry, due in part to the oncoming winter season -and the darkness that it brings- to the end of the semester -where projects pile on- and to the human emotions that never fail to react to the onslaught of…

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Change is the only constant variable in life. There will be laughter and happiness, there will be tears and falling outs. Nothing is forever. Forever is just a lie people whisper and scream and write and tell to one another; it’s a false reassurance. It will wash away with the tide, it will be carried off to nowhere by the wind, it will rot in misery, and it will tear and crumble with age. This, of course, is forever.

---

An empty soul, as lone as they get.


I was perhaps surprised for a little bit. Not really. Everything always changes. I almost forgot about that.


I think I was scared. More about myself than the other. And in the end, I was saddened not for myself, but for what’s lost between us. I was sad for a bit when realizations came together. And I’d be lying if I said I’m saddened or angered by it still. I’m in a state of resignation, I’m in the process of letting it go. There’s nothing else you can do, is there?  Just shrug your shoulders and blame human nature. It’s as simple as that. It’ll come, it’ll go. Life lesson learned at such a young age. Accepting though, is harder than merely learning. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. There’s no regrets, just goodbye.


--------------------

The tree-lighting at Rockefeller was last night. I don’t even think I had to move myself, the crowd carried me from one place to another. That’s how absolutely packed it was. Crazyness. It was a fun experience nonetheless.
So, this sums up the whole experience:
‘Do you know where the tree is?’
...uhm.. It’s in that general direction over there
‘We can’t see it.’
But we’ll be able to see the general area light up!! (no we didn’t, but oh well)

5 4 3 2 1..
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

And it was Dec. 1 when I started writing this, but since it is now the 2^nd and I’ve just finished writing, I would like to wish lectrae a special happy 18^th birthday. I wish you the best in life lectrae.. thanks for being part of my past and sticking with me through the present.

I’m sitting here, still as I can be. It doesn’t help much. This summer has gained weight, pressing at me from every direction. It’s almost hard to breathe. Sometimes the rain falls slightly, giving us a glimpse of what could be instead. But no, those threateningly dark clouds serve to tease us in this heat and I’d shake a fist at it if only I had more energy. Gods… what’s it waiting for? It’s so hot…

Lo and behold… another one of these so-called epiphanies just slapped me in the face again!

So, when all is said and done(refer to last entry), I’m going to be settled with a nice fam of my own. I always say that I don’t want kids of my own, but… family’s important to me. I think that little trip to Massachusetts made me realize that. I think I knew it, even before a conversation I had with my brother. I could see it for myself… I love being around these little kids as well as the parents. For the little uns, it’s fun seeing all the things they do that I know they’re going to reminisce about in the future. I feel like I’m looking back in time to what I lived through: the same cheesy vacations spots, enjoying it with the family and friends, just making the best of whatever we had. Memories in the making, it’s a beautiful thing to watch.
And the parents, geez the parents. If not for them, I wouldn’t have such a good collection of memories(specially the ones with Christian, Rach & Ren, Carlo/Beej); if not for them, Kristine, Gus, JC, JP, and Michael wouldn’t have the days of snowboarding/camping/video-gaming/getting scared by ghost stories/etc to look back on. The parents complain that we never went through rough days like they did in the Philippines, but still they do what they can to make sure we have a healthy, happy childhood. Do you see what I mean? We may get into fights with them, conflicts of interest and whatnot, but first and foremost they put us, their children, above everything. They don’t have to, but they do… sacrificing their time & money. I am ever so greatful....
....and I think, the best way to show my gratitude… is to later on pass on what I’ve learned, follow their example and raise a fam of my own....... cheesy? Probably, but whatever.


& yeah, I’m aware, life’s not always so goody-goody, but it’s getting through the bad and having the good times to remember that makes it all worthwhile, ya know?

AHHHH. Departure time is… SOON and I’m not packed!! Well actually my porfolio is all packed and ready to go…

I think I had an epiphany yesterday. You know… about seeing what’s out there. hah hah hah. Keep my self from any obligations… ones that could tie me down… and just focus on what I want to do. A bold thing to say I guess, but I’m not the type to really care about having someone. I wanna make my monies and then do what I wanna do and........ yeah. YEAH!

Anyway, I’m off to Massachussets for a few days. Gonna be snowboarding(first timer!!), doing some artwork. Hopefully the atmosphere will be nice there.... I’m going again with a bunch of crazy Filipinos that I love so much, so it’ll fun times again with some kiddies. Yeah yeah so here I go..


Enjoy break everyone! Stay safe and such.... I’ll be seeing you all soon.. uhm.... oh yeah if you need anything, I have my cell again.. :D

In the present, when I think about D-30, I always say to myself that these entries are of no importance and thus don’t need archiving. Though, looking through my past (lost) entries through the web archive, I realize it’s always good to be able to have something to look back upon. No matter how stupid they were.

I wrote/updated a lot more back then than I ever do now. What’s most interesting(to me at least) is how much I wrote in my blog. I used to update on a lot of the little things I did. There were random rants, messages out to different people… etc. From seventh grade up until now, I realize I’ve gotten a lot more… conservative in my posting patterns. I’m debating whether it’s a good thing or bad. For one thing, writing such things are unnecessary and can be seen as a waste of time. Who would want to read what you did that day? Who would care? But then again, in it’s own way, it kept me in touch with people, with friends.
So wait, I guess in it’s own convoluted way, those stupid posts did (kindof)matter? Good job, I just confused myself.

Whatever, that’s one thing that will never change about the posts I make on dark-thirty. They have their own way of somehow never making sense and losing focus.

...

Yeah. So anyway, I miss the stupid comments people left on this site. I miss ordering people to actually sign the guestbook. I miss the interaction. I love d30 and I love people and I love it when they come together. Do me a favor and entertain me: do one of those things. I promise I’ll update. No matter how small or inane the posts are. ...I’ll be updating!!!

And I thought dinner at Bennigan’s was more than enough. And I thought the chicken was enough. Thnx for all your time and effort. If being 16 is sweet, 17 is even sweeter.
Je t’aime.

Today, history was successfully rewritten by yours truly. 

Just want to give everyone a message. I guess this is what you call ‘shout outs’ (In order of buddy list appearance-Mobile Device, Flips Pretzels, Old Skool, Tennis, The Unknown, and inside they’re in alphabetical order by sn) Edit - To find your name just click Ctrl+F and type your name.
Ryan Magsino - Haven’t talked to this kid in a while. Wonder who you’re going for now lol
Christian - Too much to say about him, regret that he will be leaving for college soon and thankful of everything he has taught me, much much love to you.
Charlina - Miss you a lot… sorry I don’t reply quicker and longer, I’m wishing you well in Korea, stay safe!
Progga - Oh boy… stop making fun of me about Muhammed, it’s good to have known you… you listen to me I love you and thanks for being there
Jude - Oh dear… thanks for making me laugh and smile all the time, specially those younger years when Christian was an ass. Lotta fun memories with you around, don’t change, much love to you
JJ - Hey player...how’s life? Still waiting? hehe..Charming kid, sometimes lol. I’m glad to have known you better.. I wish I was still at tennis with you guys
Rennell - Oh boy… it’s my second brother(you did come before Michael and all..), good luck with your love life, and I don’t mind playing victim hehe. Thanks for listening to me too...specially those times when I found Christian my worst enemy. lotta love for you rennell!!
Ju Sun - Stay strong, hopefully you’ll become more social, we’ll be stuck on that island one day ok?
Justin Oz - Asian wannabe hehe… wear green more, you’re not a stupid kid so quit being lazy and annoying in school.
Rod - We’re still partners, the Marc Anthony dance and tennis right? Haha, good luck in life and stay cool
Electra - !! Oh we’ve been friends since....first grade. Can you believe they used to mix the two of us up? Lol… thanks for keeping your trust with me, and being my anime buddy lol Those were the times.. writing long ass notes to each other, getting in trouble in French. Plus in SS(7th grade) we tried bringing down Chris in the debates, but he’d have no idea what we were talking about, so it was pointless lol. I miss you lectrae lol, don’t talk as much as before, ne?
Michelley - Twinkie! But you and I know you can never escape your Korean-ness. A closer look and it shows that both of us have more in common that what everyone sees. You know where to find me if you need to yell heh
Tom - Michelley’s cousin! We’ve gotten much closer, thanks for listening, and thanks for your advice. It’s good to know someone who’s got a lot of the same beliefs as me.
Paul Narzabal - Don’t know you too well Paul, my fondest memory was at Tamsuk’s party, you, Jed, me trying to play Dominoes with the Jenga blocks
Samantha - Don’t really talk much, but you were and are always a sweet girl, stay that way
BJ - Don’t deny you’re better than me at drawing lol, keep it up and you know you’ll end up having your own anime one day hehe
Mark - Thanks for all your house parties lol, glad talk to you more nowadays, funny guy lol
Ralph - Hehe, not much to say about you Ralph, nice kid though
Carlo - Ah funny guy lol, keep up those stories Carlo, I remember when we always used to go to your apartment.. and Rocko and Sonya.. getting in trouble with Tita Nenet hhaha
Jed - You were the one I’d always talk to online, remember talking with that girl Jen? Keep working on your graphic skills.. they’re coming out very nicely
Jade - Ah.. don’t know what to say hehe
Andre - Thanks for your comment on my sweet sixteen pic =p
Geoffrey - Such a nice guy
Marie - Oh boy… we’ve had some pretty funny stuff from school/tennis/swimming lol. Remember when the bus driver though it was you that said that stuff? I’m sorry about that lol
Gerald - I remember.. you draw very well too haha
Kristine Ang - most outgoing girl I know, keep enjoying life to the fullest
Chris - Player number 2 and oh so very modest. YEA RIGHT. Remember to use the rubber Chris. Don’t drink too much. You’re a smart kid and fun to talk to, too bad I don’t see you as often
Angelica(little one) - You talk to me online… but I doubt you know who I am in real life lol. Talented girl, keep doing what you’re doing
Ryan Rubi - Hi Ryan, how’s the girls huh?
Victor - I remember you when you were young… going to Action Park with us, and coming here to rollerblade hehe
Kathleen - Scared of everyone growing up? Yea, I know what you meant, we both felt the same way before.. I remember that time. Do you?
Camille - Hey cammy… had fun at my Sweet 16 huh? Hehe.. I had lotta memories at your house too, rollerblading park lol
Brian - You grew up with us too! Always at Carlo’s apartment heh
Paulette - stay nice.. thanks for letting us swim at your house.. it’s fun night swimming right haha
Jill - oh I don’t know… good luck in college
Raizza - Raizza growing up.. stay funny hehe
Ralene - Remember those times when I said, we can’t grow up? lol.. sliding down the hill at camping.. stay an awesome person, thanks for.. being who you are always.
Alex Ebron - Unique kid, stay that way
Rachel - Oh boy… we were best friends growing up… so many memories with you, the jaguar game, when we were in the bathroom and we thought there was a ghost..calling each other to see what we would wear to parties.. lol I love your sporadic hyper activity Rach.
Bong - Hey there strike...how’s it going, stay funny and good luck with everything
Kayekay - Dang we grow fast hehe, do you smell something? Agh there’s so much more, Logan, Joe, lol
Riza - How’s the college life? We used to have some talks.. letting all this stuff out, thanks for that
Tamsuk - Yeah, you’re filipino lol. Turtles and ninjas are awesome, and that’s what you are lol. Stay chill hehe
Arianne - Hehe I remember seeing you over the summer at Cam and Lette’s house.. orange swimsuits! yea! hehe
Kimberly - I’ve been talking to you a lot more, and you’re still the same chill person, fun to be around. Keep it that way hehe
Allen - hey (former) partner, how’s it going? Got anymore cotillions?
Anavi - You so loud, but sweet too hehe
Anna - Crazy girl, enjoy life and keep smiling
Paul Chung - Hey boy, haven’t talked to you much in a while. Thanks for some good memories
Mike Santillana - Keep everyone smiling Mike, I always appreciate it when you’re around and making us laugh. Stay the ‘model citizen’ you are. We gotta watch LoTR this year too!
Jen - stay hyper and funny. I was your goodluck charm hehe
Josh Drago - Smart kid, sorry if my brother scares you at times
Lauren - Oh those were the days when you used to walk here and play tag with us, our sides hurt from running AND laughing. Remember Desirae’s face? That was priceless
Lauren Steiner - I remember, I’d always be talking to you online back in 6th grade, we weren’t even close.
Jen Scherf - Hey there...all I remember is back in sixth grade.. and fourth when you yelled at Mr. Fialko hehe
Nick Taucher - Hey smartass.. stop making the crazian looks stupid in Global hahaha.. play you in tennis sometime
Chris Tobin - Majestic bird! Thanks for lending me FFX, and we have to watch LoTR next year too so don’t get in trouble then! Don’t ever forget Ed haha and those times in Jamin and LasCow’s class
Sean Gibney - Sorry Sean I don’t talk to you on the bus anymore.. and sorry for dropping Java hehe
Denise - Deenie… you’re such a sweet girl, thanks for always being so nice to me
Sano - Sano is very sweet too.. good luck in school and life Sano!
Sergio - I’ll get you back for all the times you smacked me hehe, it’s good to have gotten to know you better
Cory - The devil’s child, how’s Beziel? Studio art rocked.. do you still have those demonic drawings of yours?
Jessica- JessiSca is what I always tried to call you. Remember You, me, and Allison? Those days were so fun, playing vampire remember that?? But those people always ruined it for us, oh well, we had some good times anyways. And remember your bday? In the hospital in front of the camera lol.
James Pi - How’s it going James? Haven’t talked to you much since last year..
Shawn - Hey white dragon how’s it going? China, India, Korea.. and when you stomp your foot down that’s Philippines lol
Myra - Myra is so cute ^^ and so is her drawings, stay innocent!
Ben Song - I probably do have a little Christian in me hehe
Dale - I don’t really see you as ‘quite’
Justin Song - what to say? Hot artists!
Carl - Crazy, weird kid hehe, but fun, stay that way, thanks for the rides
Madeline - Funny girl, you only live down the street.. I never knew that you know
Tessin - How’s life Tessin? Always stay strong, and stop punching me, you’re bony hehe
Ansu - How you been Ansu? Haven’t talked to you in a while.. remember South?
Melissa - Oh dang, studio art was so much fun, when we told Marie who Pisces was? Hahaha.. and your blue flame
Alvin - Not much to say, nice leather jacket
Mike Browning - How’s the graphic work going Mike? Now you know how I feel when not paying for Dark-thirty hahaa
Veeraj - The wife beater lol, science was so much fun. Our communist table was so funny with Gaeton and Madison plus Purkis.. Larry.. we should be in the same class again
Charles - Aw everybody loves Charles, well last year at least. Let’s play Jeopardy sometime again!
Phil Yang - yeah yeah, I missed you too.. good to know you’re back now
Kim Doctor - Good luck with modeling and acting, you’ll make it big someday! I’ll be right here supporting you!
Riaz - I miss you raz!! I didn’t see you when you came to visit.. make sure to see me next time ok?
Chris Arabi - Thank goodness I got hold of that ugly ass picture lol I’m sorry.. I will draw for you sometime ok
Karen - Baby Wren!! I admire your strength! Keep up with all the funny random stuff and stay creative
Madison - Thanks for keeping us in line at our table in science, it was.. fun lol
Tiffany - Good luck on life and keep your head up
Amanda - Traitor! You’re a Clam and you know it!!
Sarah Lee - Thanks for not being scared off by my weirdness hehe
Winston - PAULS MOM hahahaha
Matt Robles - Keep up with the graphic stuff Matt, stop pissing off Mr. Ko
Andrew Slafta - I’ve known you for a long time.... from tennis and all.
Leif - GO WHITEBOY haha.. sorry about everything that Mr. Clinton does to you… I wish it were summer too
Young - Ahn nYoung haha.. stop getting in trouble in French! She finds you so disturbing lol.. but that’s cause of stuff like ‘Oh, I was just looking at his arm’ Paul’s mom!?
Andrew Bernstein - Glad I got to know you better Andrew.. see you around at MY house sometime lol
Edwin Lee - You know chicken is best
Elaine - Thanks for always inviting me hehe.. keep up with your originality
Catherine - How have you been? I haven’t seen you in the longest time, you must be awesome at tennis now. Are you still drooling over ---? hehe
Leon - Funny guy hehe Haven’t seen you in a long time either
Nikko - Nikko!! How’s college treating you?? Will I ever see you again? Good luck in everything!
Dru - Dang, I’ve known you for how long, and we’ve only gotten closer recently. Keep up with your DJ skills, I know you’ll make it up there someday. Stay strong man
Angelica - What’s up? Too bad we never get decent conversations online lol
Amy - The other person who I actually wanted to talk to at camp. We suffered, damn stupid coaches. You’re a great person, and good luck to whatever you’re doing.
Amy - Nyack Amy lol.. funny girl, how’s hakwon with all the hot guys hehe, stay funny
Benson - I’ve only known you recently, funny guy
Josh - Hey Josh!! I still have to give you those vids, it’s good getting to know you, stay.. weird hehe
Jon - Twin of Josh.. finally someone I know who speaks bisaya! hehe
ENDORE SUPPORT my host Ivan I guess - Endore.com is a great host, and Ivan is cool too. He responds to my questions very quickly lol
Vitdao - great graphics artist, sorry I did such a shitty job, let’s collabo again, next time I’ll give you something greater!
Eddie Chang - How’s it gong Eddie.. you still have to stop by TZ one of these days
AJ - How’s the love life going man? Keep writing those poems, and those great last two lines lol
Chris - Yea, I’ll be here anytime you need HTML tips lol
Doyeon - Wow D, you’re last -__- Stay young! Like you say you act XP keep drawing, I love seeing your funny stuff. Keep in touch and let’s meet up sometime whether you’re in NY or I’m in CA!!

Wow, that was the craziest thing I’ve ever done. Glad I spent time on this though, don’t know why. Gotta be thankful of people I guess right? Too bad only like 3 people will see this. Michelle, Rennell, and a variable haha. Keep your head up, through thick and thin, I’ll do anything I can....