There it goes again - opportunity dancing at my finger tips.


It’s disturbing the way I’ve always been conscious of it. It’s everywhere, in everything, in everyone… It’s always been there, it’s still there, with no promises of forever being there. There’s the disturbing part, that I’ve barely made a move, barley made a pass at opportunity.


I lack self-discipline, self-control. Maybe I’m waiting for a push. Or a downward pull.


Grr. Make decisions with your ____ but let your ____ guide you. I believe that. Honestly I do. I lack guidance. I’m not looking to other people either, I’m looking at myself.


Hmm. Idle minds tend to lose themselves.


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Uhmmm… I may dream about summer and beaches and the sun and sand a lot, and complain about the cold often.... but truth is… I really like living in a place where I can go through, and enjoy to the fullest, each of the four seasons. Maybe that’s what makes summer so damn good. I’m looking forward to it, always looking forward to it.

Pete, it’s a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.
- Ulysses Everett McGill, O Brother, Where art Thou


It’s not fair, really. This whole emotion thing. There really is no logic whatsoever to it. And it’s so hard when someone asks you to justify your feelings. You simply can’t. Logic has nothing to do with it. You can love a person for the same exact reasons you hate someone else. You can easily forgive what one person does, and yet be so cold to another over the same matters. We can give reasons and try to flesh out the why’s of the heart, but when it comes down to it, it just is.


We can’t control what we feel, but we do have a hold over our actions. But sometimes, it’s just really hard, isn’t it? It can all be too overwhelming sometimes, you can’t help what you feel, you can’t help what you do.


We can’t justify our feelings, yet we can justify our actions by what we feel. It’s not fair, really.

It’s only been a week of break, and I feel as though we’re already done. But no, there’s a whole nother month to go.

And oh look, the 5 has turned into a 6. The 5 was a pretty full year. I just finished archiving the all the photos that have been taken in the year 2005, and it sums it up the year quite nicely.

Highlights include(starting from the early year): pulling off successful HS events(MCC, Senior Citizen Dance, the carwash), enjoying warm days early on(Panera, basking in the sun with full stomachs, first BBQ in March), getting a new spankin’ camera, the Katonah museum, turning 19(ah, they say this is when you turn into a woman, but if only age determined those things!), getting accepted into COLLEGE, prom, GRADUATING(graduation pictures have the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen), BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL PERFECT HOT WARM COOL SUMMER DAYS and SUMMER NIGHTS, the beach, camping, finally living a city life, city wanderings, learning to beging to accept and love art(not only as a hobby but as a profession as well), White Castle nights, city events(CMSV, Ren’s bday, Mr. Philippines, Halloween Parade, getting unwillingly stuck in an Anti-Bush protest, lectrae’s visit, dates at small cafŽs with Amanda, meeting up with lovers right before their finals...), the sights(MET, MOMA, Frick, NYPL).

So yeah, through it all I’ve learned a whole lot about myself. I’ve realized the importance of the relationships I’ve built throughout all my years. There are people that I’ve been unfair to, and I can’t even begin to apologize or explain myself. I look back and reflect and fully realize my selfishness. I don’t know if sorry mends things so easily, but I do hope there will be some sort of understanding. I cannot and will not take full blame of everything since there are some things I just don’t have control over, but I am geniunely sorry for my own wrong doings.

Looked back, now looking forward. 2005 wasn’t any better than years before concerning world events and so I’m pessimistic in that aspect for 2006. As for myself, I feel that it will be a more challenging year. Mainly because I’m waking up and out of my so-called ‘bubble’ and find that there are things that need to be accomplished; things for the good of my future. Then there’s also the love life, or rather, lack there-of . But that I’ll leave be for now, and I’ll worry about it later. I’ve not come across a person thus far who I’d willingly share my (precious) time nor my affections with. I must admit it gets kind of lonely at times, but right now, that need isn’t so bad or crucial as other things

Then, in terms of artistic progress, there has barely been any(since the semester ended, I mean). A few watercolor works here and there, a minute photography session and learning how to airbrush. Hopefully I’ll be doing a lot more this lonesome month. More in general this new year as well.


The times pass on too quickly, and paradoxically it seems to go ever so slowly. This is life I suppose, and I hope you all enjoy the new year we’re about to face. The prayers will still and always be the same: keep the family and friends happy, healthy, safe, and strong. I wish you all the best of everything this new year, cheers and good night.